Happy Birthday Amma

Do you remember the first time you ever cried?
The sound that resonates with the greatest name that we take with pride,
The sound of our cry sounds like Ma!
Ma, Mom, Mother, Amma,
The single force of sanctity,
The word that doesn’t have a flaw.

It’s her birthday today, she won’t make a huge fuss about it,
But I know deep down, she yearns for her children’s attention,
Which she won’t admit,

She carried me for 9 months,
She nurtured me and gave me,
Everything that I hoped for,
She made me what I am,
It’s her fire that burns inside me,
Gave me wings to explore.

She was my shero when I was a toddler,
Adolescence made me perceive her as my nemesis,
Life hit me hard,
I realized that she is my only source of vigor.

I fight, I act insolent, I scream,
I snub her at times, but I know deep down my heart,
She is my courageous valor.

From the time I nestled at her bosoms,
To the first step at school,
From the graduation to me turning into a mom,
She stood beside me like an epitome of fortitude,
Today as she leans in for my support,
As her hair turns grey, her body becomes weak,
I look at her with the same tenderness,
She had for me at her higher magnitude.

Happy Birthday, Amma,
Happy birthday my rockstar,
Without you, my existence would have been obscured,
I love you, love you till moon and back,
You, my darling will always be my sweet little Amma.

                                                          --------Aneeshya

Hey! I am Fine.

Some days are harder than the rest,
you wake up in the morning and everything around you seems to be grey and murky.
The mere idea of getting out of bed and going on with the day seems such a humongous task,
the days where you feel like you are moving around in a deep slumber,
but you smile and say Hey! I am Fine.

You put on your makeup,
concealing the darkness of the battle you had with the demon inside you.
Lips so red- a futile attempt to hide the bruises inflicted by the malignant spirit you struggled to tame,
still you smile and say Hey! I am Fine.

The fraudulent laugh,
the strong will and the deceit enthusiasm tumbles down,
Breaks you piece by piece, soul by soul,
leaving you in a dark dungeon.

A place where darkness rules your mind, body, and soul,
You gasp for air, crave for light,
All you can see is the angel of darkness ruling your soul,
With his ten heads, sharp claws,
A poisonous tongue fades you in the shadows,
But you smile and say Hey! I am Fine.

The melancholy of emotions weighs you down,
Make you grumpy and fill every inch of your body,
With disgust and mournfulness, you seek help,
But all people can say to you is Hey! You will be Fine.

You find solace in the dungeon that has captured your soul,
The angel of darkness smiles and say,
“I told you there is no vanishing from here, this is where you belong, the bosom of devilry is your abode.”
He smiles and says You are fine.

You succumb to your hopelessness,
put up your fake smile,
And say Yes, I am fine.

——–Aneeshya

Stories

The ruffled sheets, the strewn up clothes,
The passionate kiss, the fired-up thoughts,
The lingering smell & sultry smile,
A testimony of passionate time gone by.

She laid in his arms, he held her tight,
Not a single peripheral thought running through their mind
They devoured each other’s lips like a forbidden fruit.
Slowly their lips brushed against each other, arms twined
He smiled at her and said,” You know right? You look cute”.

She winked at him “You are crazy”
He pulled her close and whispered in her ears “Make me go hazy”
His soft breath against her ears,
Her heaving breaths and rolled eyes,
Gave away the sight of 2 melting spheres,

His fingers lingered through her mounted boobs,
She bit her lips and held him tight,
His tongue tasting layers of brown skin and black moles,
The ecstasy that she felt made her arc light.

He hugged her from behind
Like a flower she confined
His fingers exploring her wet den
She shivered and withered in his passionate Zen

She looked at him & smiled,
He said to her “There’s an undying passion in our eyes, don’t go. Stay for a while.”
He pulled her close & nibbled her ear
“The lonely sheets are missing us, Please hear”
Before she could react,
He kissed her, kissed her hard
All she could do was melt,
Melt away in each thrust of Masculine Boulevard.

Stories, they made stories,
That dawdled on their passionate hearts,
The ruffled sheets, the strewn up clothes,
The passionate kiss, the fired-up thoughts,
The lingering smell & sultry smile,
A testimony of passionate time gone by.

————————–Aneeshya

Unrequited Love

Starry nights, dimmed lights,
She is laying beside me,
So perfect, so fine
The crease of her eyes,
The bridge of her nose,
All shining brightly with her soul’s glow,
But all I can think of is,
How you made me laugh,
How you made me loved.

My finger entwined with her’s,
She smiles & leans on my shoulder,
I smile, but my mind has an image,
Image of you, dancing in your shorts reckless.

“Hey” she smiles & I jolt back,
I know she is mine,
You are just a beautiful lie.

She is perfect for me,
She doesn’t annoy,
Nor does she talk relentlessly,
My room is not stacked with books now,
Gone are the bookmarks & your pictures that made me go wow.

When she kissed me,
All I could think is the bike rides,
You laugh, and the beer breath,
That you had when you looked me in the eye.

She doesn’t burn the toast,
She doesn’t cry when movie characters break up,
She let me have the last bite of dessert,
And maybe that’s why we add up.

No, I am not in love with you,
No, I refuse to be in love with you,
I don’t want the hollowness,
I don’t want the drama,
I won’t allow myself to look up in the trauma.

Yes my heart aches, it aches for your voice,
I crave the warmth of your embrace,
But I don’t have a choice.

I don’t think of you often,
You come across my mind,
When autumn leaves are fallen.

I am with her now,
I am hers, she is mine,
But tell me, tell me why I still think of you,
Like a soul of mine.

Her eyes are beautiful,
But why doesn’t it carry the madness that
Makes me go wild.
Why are you with me?
Even though we are exiled.

I hope you fade away,
I hope you wither,
But I know, I can’t because,
Our souls are knit together.

————Aneeshya

Monaism

Wandering, Roaming, stumbling

I entered in an arboretum

A place so lush, so obscuring

Loving its sweet rhythm.

I saw a den, full of wonders

A pack of existents, so diverse

Peeking into their world

I saw a light, so tender, and so bright

Souls twirling, alluring me to converse

There was a queen among the pack,

Her face was so calm, so wise

Her words are so piquant, that I fall back

My heart beats with her kind eyes

A girl with curly hair,

A dusky beauty as pure as Clair,

Strength in her voice stealth in her act

I was floored by her was a fact

Sweet melody in her voice,

A beauty that transpires to me

Listening to her sing my soul rejoice

My joy knew no bounds, no degree

 A silent man, the name was sun

But a person who was great in pun

Secrecy in himself

Forces others to introspect oneself

There were many with different characters

A weightlifter, a scientist, doctors

All belonged there with no inhibition

Each has their expedition

Along came a flamboyant soul,

His voice carries some secrets unknown,

Stumbled upon him, I said, am sorry I am lost

He smiled and said, “aren’t we all?”

Come he said, join the den

Cross that bridge of your mayhem

For here there are no judgments, no condemn

I stepped into the light, becoming one of them

Leaving the bridge of mayhem

For here I am me, a silent me

No force, no pressure

The pack is, denoted as MONAISM

I am one of them, like an illustrated prism.

—————————-——–Aneeshya

XMAS MEMORY

Twinkling Xmas Nights,

The cool breeze and the starry skies,

Carols, humming in the ear,

Whiff of sweet cake in the air,

It’s that time of year, smiling faces all around

Decorated tree, stockings hung,

What a sight to see,

Dancing humans, flowing booze,

A layer of smoke in the hues,

Come have a drink he said,

No, Thank You I replied,

“Don’t create a scene”, Mister ordered

Took the glass with an eye silenced

Hey, come dance with me, the man in black said

‘No’ I said firmly, could feel terror ahead,

He smirked whispering “it’s okay”

My soul shivered knowing there is a foul play

Come let’s go home I pleaded,

Shut the fuck up, mister demanded.

Smoke, booze, and a thick layer of anxiety

Engulfing me in its impiety

Hard to breathe, I ran across the room

Trying to breathe, looking myself in the mirror,

The twinkling lights shadowing to consume,

Felt a presence in the dark, crumbling me in its terror,

His hands-on my neck choking me,

His stinking respire, me gasping for breath

He unbuttoned my jeans, fingering me

I screamed in pain, voice fizzed off in dance of death,

He left me in pain, blood oozing out my lips

Mister looked at me and smirked “Looks like you had fun with him”

Dirty, flawed, slimy, and stained by his fingertips

A Xmas memory was forever grim.

People ask” what’s your Xmas memory?”

I smile and say

Twinkling Xmas Nights,

A cool breeze and the starry skies,

Carols, humming in the ear,

Whiff of sweet cake in the air,

———–Aneeshya

Beauty of Pain

Human emotions can be so myriad, they can be confusing and elevating at the same time. Past two days I have had the opportunity to introspect my own. I have undergone a heartbreak recently, the pain was so beautifully exhilarating that it made me think about things that I never thought I am capable of reflecting on. Humans as a breed seek validation from both internal and external sources. We need someone or some force to appreciate us, celebrate us, love us constantly. Very few have overcome the stage of seeking validation.  

Validation as a term is perceived so inimical that we inhibit ourselves in admitting that consciously or subconsciously we all have sought the perks of being validated by someone or some force. The problem arises when we are unable to maneuver ourselves in the absence of that icing.

                    So the question is – Is loving someone a form of seeking validation?

Recently I have had the opportunity to experience the absence of validation in my life. A person dear to me expressed to me how someone else in his life is more important for him.

Did he say that I am not important to him? No, he didn’t. So why did it bother me so much? After the initial crying and weeping, feeling the pain, hurt, owning it, I had the time to introspect my pain and it made me realize that what I was seeking from him was VALIDATION. Validation of how important I am, how I am of any significance to him. So it’s not that my love or trust was shaken when he admitted the beautiful dark-skinned girl (who also is my friend) was important to him. It was my EGO. My ego couldn’t handle that I was not the center of the universe for that flamboyant soul that irked me and my ego manipulated me into thinking that I am vulnerable.

Now the question arises – Is being vulnerable a negative thing?

Brene Brown – “What makes you vulnerable, makes you beautiful”. I have always found this quote very fascinating. I was having a conversation with my friend the other day who told me “Why are you being so vulnerable”. Why do we perceive vulnerability as a detestable thing? Vulnerability is a risk that we all need to possess to experience life, emotions, and connections, we forget that it is the birthplace of joy, belonging, love, authenticity. It is a path towards embracing our flaws, accepting the pain, to acknowledge the hurt that we have gone through or are going through. It is one of the essences that makes the myriad human emotions so astounding and profound.

I have no shame to accept and express that I am vulnerable, I am emotional, I am in pain, I am in joy, I am in love, I am in doubt because all these make me human these make me beautifully unique.  

Being in pain, owning it, expressing it makes us human. 

—————————Aneeshya

Persiflage

Hey, it’s me, your soul,
I hope you see the,
Confabulation am trying to sow
I know you are lonely,
I know you are tired,
Hold on to that hope,
A little boldly,
Coz, you don’t know you are being transpired.

Honey, I know your pain,
I know the silent screams that you think are in vain,
I have seen you struggling,
I have seen you fall,
I know you have picked up the pieces from pit darkness,
From your demon’s claw.

Sweetheart, I know
Trust me, I do
I know the sleepless nights, the tear-stained pillows,
Yet you put up a happy face,
When inside you are a weeping willow.

I have seen you wander away,
Like a leaf strolled by cold winter air,
Yearning & hoping to nestle,
Yourself in the warmth of your mom’s care.

When darkness strikes & you see ‘Satan’ arrive,
I know you are scared, realizing it’s your thoughts,
That made him so virile.

Sweet pea, recognize your glowing light,
Why can’t you see? What I can see.
A glowing & lucent star,
You are your knight, you are your rockstar.

Understand, not everyone can feel your pain,
They might stand by you, they can’t be your Shaman.
I know you feel angry when people don’t respond to your call,
But why do you seek other’s company,
When you are a fiery ball.

You have done this numerous times,
Taking yourself out for a drink, sitting alone & listening to the sweet wind chimes,
I know, I know honey, times are rough,
But hey, you & I are in this together,
We are damn tough.

It’s okay, just breathe,
No matter what, I am here,
Holding your hand and exploring your heath
You are amazing,
You have survived a tumultuous tornado,
Like a headstrong.

Don’t lose hope, this is one of the dark days you have,
F*g ‘Depression’ can’t take the music out of your octave,
This too shall pass, wait for the morning light,
Bringing us the beautiful grass.

Smile, breathe, let go,
Coz, somethings are needed to be forgone,
Live, Laugh, Love, Read,
This makes you & me both Myriad.

When all else fails,
Take 3 deep breaths, say to yourself,
I love You, I love You, I love You,
Let us give the dark past, a goodbye Farewell.

SAUDADE

Shedding the last thread of fear,

I want you to be etched in my soul,

Kiss me, my beloved so tenderly so slow,

Whisk me away into another sphere.

The stains of my tears are a blazing testimony,

The horrors of my past have chained me in an oubliette,

Touch me, caress me, and make me forget the impiety,

I crave to listen the rhythms of your heartbeat

Undress me cautiously. For you could ascertain a mayhem,

Each line, each mole, each curve in my body speaks of a story

Brown skin, black mole covering them

Like a river flowing through sinuous path of a lush valley,

When the night befalls, stars shine

Hold me close, hold me tight

Gently part my lips with thy

Engross me, hypnotise with your eyes, Oh my knight

For you I crave, for you I long,

Even it’s for a moment, I need to be loved

Put the rhythm inside my song

Abrise me to the ecstasy Oh my beloved

For I feel lost.

                                                                                             ——Aneeshya